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The first fight

March 12, 2012

You know, there are some days when you wake up and immediately want to grab the nearest sharp object and jam it straight into your temple. This was me Sunday morning. I woke up after only having a couple hours of sleep hung-over and vaguely remembered everything that happened the night before…and then realized my boyfriend wasn’t beside me. I wanted to shoot myself. I thought he had left, that I had chased him away and for a brief moment, panic overtook me but before I could act, here he came from the bedroom, still somewhat drunk but there all the same. The relief I felt literally left me shaking.

The night before we had went to a party and both of us got rather drunk. When I’m drunk I tend to pick one person I want to be all over and that’s exactly what I do. I don’t know why I do it, I don’t like that I do it but I do. Anyhow, my actions upset my boyfriend though I warned him it would happen beforehand. Neither of us thought it would bother him but it did.

So once we were driven home, we got into it like nobody’s business. I’ll spare you the messy details but I will say that many things were broken and many tears were shed. Finally after two or three hours of fighting, we went to sleep.

Now that I have time to reflect, I realize one thing. I love J.D. more than anything or anyone I have ever loved. Last night I asked him if he thought things would work between me and him. He said “No, I don’t think it will work…” And my heart literally broke and I couldn’t breathe. He followed that statement not even a breath later saying, “I know it will work.”

I now feel so ashamed of my actions and of who I am. I don’t deserve this kind of love and I know that. I just wish I was better, less destructive…I want him to be able to truly love me and though I know he does now, I don’t believe it can last if I continue being the way I am now. I need help. So consider this my plea to the gods…Help me change so that I may keep the one I truly love.

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